hephaestion2014's blog
Peace in your violence.
3AM. Can't sleep.
My eyes were just about to shut and my head was sinking into the pillow when I suddenly remembered last year when wrestling a straight guy I put my hand on his arse to push myself up.
I hope he didn't read anything into it.
Oh god. Will he be tagging himself as #metoo
It wasn't a sexual thing. I just wanted to push myself up. If he wasn't straight I'd think nothing about it.
But... maybe I should send him a message about. Or raise it with him in person.
Maybe I should write a blog about it.
Maybe I should do nothing about it.
It's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done...
Oh really ? Don't you remember the time when you-
And so it goes on.
I'm an overthinker. I live in my head a lot. Running and re-running any conversation I've ever had.
I'm fairly social awkward. I make gaffes. There's a lot to remember
If Im attracted to someone and am in their company for the first time, I'm a mess.
I clam up. I try to act natural.
Which is never natural.
I'm not your natural wrestler too.
Im not naturally aggressive.
Well unless you are Jacob Rees-Mogg or Donald Trump- and then I'd give you a verbal battering.
But I've never gone looking for fights. Even when being confrontational, I'm uneasy at the threat of violence erupting. Well uneasy and a faint trace of excitement. But that's the adrenaline.
I've been thinking about wrestling a lot recently. I've had people trying to coax out my more aggressive side. Be it unleashing my inner thug or raising up my fists and letting them fly free.
I've not found it easy in those roles.
I don't mind inhabiting those roles for a bit- but that's not me. That's not why I wrestle, i think.
I heard on the radio some song and it has the lyric "I find peace in your violence" and that resonated.
I like wrestling because I have to escape my brain and live in my body. We all know that moment when you are wrestling and the whole world just fades away. That's what I like. I'm not thinking about Putin's replacement, Hawksmoor churches, or why metaphysical poets leave me cold.
Just got to focus on stopping you choking me out or bending that limb at that angle.
I know wrestling is an intellectual sport where you do need tactics and can't rely on instincts. But that's not the level I'm wrestling at, or want to.
This is for fun. I'm not that competitive. It's why I like resisting not attacking. The decisions have been made. I have to react not analyse. And that's why I'll never be a top drawer wrestler.
I don't want the control. I just want to stop you having it completely and maybe claw some back.
Maybe. I'll think on it.
Now let's get back to 4am where I am thinking about when I tried to play it cool with a guy I wanted to wrestle and never did as was playing it too cool. Maybe I should send them a message or write a blog about it. That was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.
Well except for that time in 1997 when I...
Jedi (41)
4/19/2018 12:02 AMGreat Blog post! Very meta; you did a great job of capturing social anxiety and perseveration. I agree, it is good for us to get out of our own way, and live in the moment. Wrestling certainly helps with that.
Merseywrestle (65 )
4/19/2018 2:20 AMTo a fellow insomniac and over thinker its 01.09 when am writing this and totally understand where your coming from. Regarding the guy you were wrestling unless his ass was naked no need to worry that you used it to help yourself up cause if it was the other way around he probably would have done too.
I must admit when I first started wrestling it was for 'fun' I enjoyed the physicality it brought but it allowed me to explore a sexual side I hid, as I was a good catholic boy. Now am older I have released my aggressive side and my matches are more competative as it provides a serenity and calms of mind I dont experience in oridinary life. If what you do gives you that calmness too than stick to that, no need to change it until you want to.
Ironbull (94)
4/19/2018 6:24 PMLove this blog.
1. The straight guy whose arse you touched, non-sexually, was freely consenting to strip down and wrestle with you. If that really was the most embarrassing thing you've ever done, I'd say you've done pretty well.
2. Wrestling is not violence. It is two people freely consenting to engage in a natural activity that's as old as life on earth.
3. Play it cool with hot men at your peril. You only pass this way once.....
Bet you're asleep at work now!
bobbie (0)
4/21/2018 12:00 PMWell written text. Interesting ideas. But, as to the song, finding peace in another's violence. No, I don't see it. however, maybe we understand the term "violence" differently. to me it is "open ended". one never knows where it's going. and my mind cannot rest in that.
hephaestion2014 (52)
4/21/2018 8:09 PM(In reply to this)
Thank you.
A lot of people have pointed out that the word violence isn't perhaps the best word to describe wrestling. And Yes, I see where they are coming from.
I think the idea of peace in violence is to me that in violence as in aggression, there's no time to think or consider. Just react. Instinctually. There's kind of a peace in that.
LdnGrapple (64)
4/27/2018 10:56 AMI'll put on a Jacob R-M mask.
Bring it on!
bobbie (0)
4/28/2018 6:21 PMThanks for your reply. I now understand how you were using the word. And I have to agree you describe a feeling that is really exciting. liberating. hot.