edscissors's blog

A wonderful post. We should have few expectations, but celebrate when good things happen. I too easily and often can focus on the negative. Making each other’s days easier, rather than harder, should be the goal. My communication should not be a burden, but an invitation with no strings, no guilt. Thanks for the well written reminder.

"But, patience being a virtue, how lovely when you DO receive a nice message from someone who'd been absent for a good while. Welcome back after many weeks, A, say I!"

That's just not right. I'm not God waiting for his prodigal son. If you can't find the time to at least write a short message after a hour or so since you read mine, you're just being rude for no reasons.

I'm not talking about people you already had long conversations and were just "disappeared" because you live far away and couldn't actually settle a match in a short time. I'm talking about the very first messages of a new, fresh conversation.

Chi-fight - so far, thankfully, I know nothing of your point number 5 ... but everything else you say seems to me cogent and true. Thanks SO much for taking the trouble to respond to my post in so much detail.

Thank you!

Most of the bellyaching about not replying is either insecure, impatientness or someone who just can't handle rejection. If I message someone and they just don't respond I just take it as they are not interested and move on with my life. Writing weepy blog posts about how "rude" they are or trying to shame someone in the chatroom is just petty, pointless and is all about trying to label someone back at them. It changes nothing and often validates their choice to not respond. For me it's also a red flag that someone might have narcissistic or stalker-like tendencies, because they can't take no for an answer (and no answer IS an answer)... so if I even see someone act like that about someone else, I tend to avoid them.

Personally I think there are many valid reasons for just not responding, but in most cases for me its for one of the following:

1) They don't remotely match what I am looking for or show interest in the same styles. Before someone messages me I expect at the very least they read my profile. It's very clear and direct. If the don't fit what I am looking for, it suggests they either didn't read my profile or just ignored whatever ruled them out. Either way I am not wasting my time debating with them.

2) They didn't read my profile. It's not a repeat, these are the people who start by asking a ton of questions that have already been covered. I didn't spend careful time filling it out in detail, so I could just retype everything out again 500 additional times. If someone won't take the 2-3 minutes to look the profile, then don't expect me to spend hours chatting with them or hours/days traveling to meet them.

3) They have already been turned down or ignored dozens (or sometimes hundreds) of times. Self explanatory.

4) They don't have a profile picture. One again a bare minimum thing that is expected. I don't like someone checking out everyone else, or going on and on about my pics, when they refuse to show themselves.

5) They have demonstrated some awful personality traits or behavior in the rooms or posts before, so I just find them distasteful and don't care to associate with them.

6) Their profile looks fake or says nothing about them. Obviously if someone looks like they have no experience or aren't real, it's a waste of my time and in some cases just deceitful.

7) They send some dumb one-word or one sentence message like "Woof". What do you want me to say to that? Especially if I don't feel the same way. Once again, if someone can't take the time to write a thoughtful message with a point, why should I invest time talking to them?

Anyone who engages in the above behaviors isn't being "polite" in my book. They are not considering my perspective or respecting my preferences or time. Why do I owe them above and beyond "politeness"?

Thanks, vonsueno, for your nice comment. I agree with everything you say. Some people have time, and are inclined, to reply politely. Others, sadly, not.

You and I, I am sure, will always try to be among the MF members who always try to reply correctly, even if it's a "no thank you".

Well said. I sometimes feel like the kid trying to stay awake to see Santa Claus when it comes to waiting for a reply to a message. I would say that very possibly 50% do reply, and many perhaps 50% of those in a relatively short time. "Relatively" is the operative word. I never send "Hi's" and let it go at that. New members I welcome on behalf of the site MF and try to share some positive things. It does not necessarily, even generally doesn't, end up with a message indicating interest. But, that's okay.

As re the 50% that don't respond, I understand they may well have valid reasons and taking time to respond to my (essential) request is something they don't have time to do.

The courtesy which I find is therefore extraordinary.

To all those in the past, now, and in the future, thank you for your time (however much that is or has been) and your consideration.